Lochai: an intimate chat with one of the most notorious pro doms of our time

Lochai. Fetish photographer, professional dominant, expert rigger, sex educator and, as he says, "professional pervert."

I caught up with Lochai at a sex education conference in Chicago a couple of weeks ago and he agreed to sit down and let you, dear Juicy readers, have a rare glimpse into the life of a self-described pro perv. Lochai breaks down some key differences between the fetish/BDSM scene and the vanilla world of dating and sex.

This is a video you do not want to miss! Watch in full-screen: click on the screen while the video plays, a new page will open that has the button.

Learn more about Lochai in cyberspace. Peep his beautiful photography website Kirinawa. Follow him on Twitter. Please feel free to pass this video to friends. Oh and ... you're welcome. ;)

Japan Fetish Ball

Who's going to Japan Fetish Ball tomorrow in Tokyo? ... Other than Midori :) Thanks for tweeting about it, Midori. The fashion looks juicy!

How to look good naked

If there is one thing I love to look at, it's a woman without her clothes on. Why do many women dislike their bodies? It's like they don't think their bodies are beautiful so I can't either. I love what I see but some women seem like they can't accept a compliment. What's up?

A gentleman named Carson Kressley explores this question by connecting with women you describe on his TV show How to Look Good Naked. The show is all online and it's one of the most beautiful healing shows out there. How to Look Good Naked shines a light on the mental processes of women who dislike their bodies. Best of all, the show walks each woman through a process that changes her outlook so that she can enjoy her physical form, love herself a little more, and even flaunt what she's got. It's fun to watch the negative thought patterns unravel. Thanks for turning me on to the show, Work It Girl!

A guru once said: We will only accept a little less abuse from others than we are willing to give ourselves. In other words, whatever abuse I accept from the outside world, the truth is that I am willing to abuse myself a little more than that.

Think about how peaceful and quiet our minds would be if we all decided to stop criticizing ourselves, stop the judgment, stop the shame, stop the berating. Remember, negative thoughts are a choice. Simply brush them aside and focus on something else ... like what a sultry, sexy body you have and how lucky you are to be alive today. Now that's juicy! ;)

Inspiration for orgasm control

If we've heard it once, we've heard it a thousand times: "Don't cum in public." But if you're like me, sometimes you forget the reason we're not supposed to do it. This video is an important reminder of the serious public safety and aesthetic consequences of losing control.

Now that I think about it though ... this just applies to boys. :)

I missed you, Juicy ones

Dear Juicy readers,

I've been distracted from our relationship the past few weeks but something just hasn't felt right. If I run back into your arms will you hold me and tell me everything will be ok? JK :) The truth is that I've missed you and I'd like to spend more time with you having juicy conversations and seeing what fun topics pop up.

For one, authorities now admit they lied to Caster Semenya. The Athletics South Africa (ASA) president admitted that the ASA took a gender test without informing Ms. Semenya. The African National Congress (ANC), the ruling party of South Africa, stated that Ms. Semenya should be able to compete as a female and they have set up a support group for Ms. Semenya led by the ANC secretary-general and including Nelson Mandela's ex-wife, lawmaker Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.

The juicy piece is that I received word from Caster Semenya's Dean of Students at the University of Pretoria, where Ms. Semenya studies, thanking us for our support and letting us know that the Open letter to Caster Semenya: We love you as you are! post has been forwarded to Ms. Semenya in person. I'm excited that our words of heartfelt sentiment from Texas could reach their intended ears in South Africa. You are loved and supported from afar, Caster.

On another note, my esthetician started a blog: Work It Girl! I recommend it - it makes beauty fun. Thanks for sharing your insights, Cynthia.

So I'm back, juicy ones, and I hope you are too. Several of you have asked if I need new questions. Yes - I always need to hear more of your questions! We've covered topics such as jealousy, polyamory, ethical kink, energy orgasms, herpes, the P-Spot, marathon sex and Kinky Kollege. If those topics don't get you thinking or wondering ... what will? You are cordially invited to send a question via email or use the web form. I'd like to learn from questions that arise in our lives.

What juicy things would you like to talk about? I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly,

~~river~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Open letter to Caster Semenya: We love you as you are!

Dear Castor Semenya,

You are a beautiful human being. Commentators from the sports association and the media are airing your private matters without giving you the respect and dignity you deserve. After strictly forbidding you from taking unnatural supplements to improve your racing skills, the same system may now try to require you take unnatural supplements to reduce your racing skills. That is preposterous and you deserve better.

No matter what their official findings are, no one can take away the fact that you have honed your body with more discipline and success than your critics will ever hope to achieve. You have earned your place as one of the world's great runners the only way that is possible - by making sacrifices in your life that most of us can not imagine.

Too bad there's no gender test for sports commentators. As the UK Guardian pointed out:

"There are around 46 different types of 'intersex' conditions that can result in individuals having both male and female characteristics .... There are four ways of determining sex .... The problem is that they can be at odds with one another. .... 'It's very complex area,' .... As many as one in 3,000 are born with some kind of intersex disorder."

That means that many of us have scientifically detectable variations from the two main gender categories. Even among those who have more polar physical bodies, many Americans pride themselves on defining their own gender without regard to their bodies through their choices and behaviors. For some people to act like there are only two clear genders among us in this day and age is neanderthal thinking.

We hope that your country does sue the IAAF and win so the IAAF learns its lesson. And we hope that the UN acts with outrage after considering the complaint filed by your government.

It's cool that you chose to participate in the YOU Magazine makeover. You showed the world that you are one of the most gorgeous and graceful women alive today.

Ms. Semenya, you serve as a role model for young women around the globe. Please stay above the small-minded rude people. Don't let them get you down! Americans from Texas to Indiana are reaching out with support. You deserve to be able to compete in the sport of your choice with your natural Goddess-given body. We will be watching your career closely and rooting for you as energetically as we possibly can, and we hope that you find open-hearted love and support everywhere you go.

Sincerely,

~river~

Energy: Some orgasms create it, others drain it

I understand that in tantric sex, for a man, keeping the semen in is a requirement for keeping energy levels up. I can understand because I have... a friend... who mastrabates all the live long day and he complains of being exhausted especially during excessive bouts. Is this true? I mean about keeping energy levels up, and if so, how should one keep it in...something whose nature is to go out?

This is a deep question because there are lots of kinds of orgasm. One way to divide them is by whether they build energy or deplete energy.

When we don't move energy during sex we don't build energy. Typically, in energy-depleting sex the goal is to orgasm, a man achieves it by stimulating the penis and a woman achieves it by stimulating the clitoris, and when it's over we're sleepy. It can be wonderful in a million ways but after the orgasm we tend to feel drained.

When we intentionally build energy during sex we create new energy and afterward we feel energized. Sexual energy work isn't easy to explain in writing but here are a few pieces of the puzzle:

P-spot/G-spot

Energy can be aroused through direct and indirect stimulation of the P-spot in men and the G-spot in women. The P-spot and G-spot seem linked to energy creation in ways that the penis and clit are not. Because the P-spot and G-spot are both small balls about the size of a walnut, there are lots of methods your friend can use to stimulate his spot from different sides and angles.

Holding off on orgasm

Men and women can build energy by holding off on orgasm. Common ways to hold off are to breathe deeply and slowly, pull away and stop all movement, or change mental focus to something not sexy to cool down. There is no magic number for how long or how many times to hold off on orgasm to increase energy, but your friend can experiment holding off longer and longer until he knows what works best.

Kundalini and the chakras

We can create energy during sex by physically and energetically moving energy from the base of our spine, our root, up through our spinal column and through the head. There are variations on this theme, discussed under such online search terms as "tantra" or "tantric," "kundalini," "chakras" and "sexual energy." Most techniques will involve a combination of meditation and undulation of the spinal column, or snake, from the root through the crown and feeling the energy build and move.

Explore

It's difficult to find quality information about energizing orgasms. If your friend is in the Austin or San Antonio area, an excellent place to learn is the Toltec Center of Creative Intent when they offer Sexual Integrity events. If your friend is interested in tapping his life force through sexual energy creation, I hope that he explores, soaks in information from various sources to see how they differ, and has fun experimenting to find out what path serves him best.

A Flowchart to Determine if You Should Get Divorced

With simple tools like Holy Taco's flow chart there's no need to spend any time wondering if you should get a divorce.

Herpes: Not the angel of death, the angel of disclosure

I'm dating a girl who I like and she just told me she has herpes. She laid it on me when we were in the heat of passion. I made up an excuse and bolted. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want it and I'm not sure where to look for the 411. What's the deal with herpes?

Goddess gave us herpes to teach us to be honest with our lovers about our outside sexual activities.

Some things are clear about herpes. 1 of every 5 people in the US over 12 years of age have it. It's a lifelong disease with no currently-known cure. You can get oral herpes which results in sores on your mouth, you can get genital herpes which results in sores and pain around the genitals, or you can get both. Poor health habits and stress make an infected person have more breakouts more often. Some people have sores often, others go years without a symptom. Medicine helps the sores dry up and the symptoms go away, and a raw food diet has the same effect as the medicine. You can get it by touching an open sore - you can get oral herpes from another person's oral or genital herpes infection, and you can get genital herpes from another person's oral or genital herpes infection. Yes ... you can get it from oral sex.

Other things are less clear. Scientists think herpes can be transmitted when the infected person does not have a breakout. Many believe it won't be transmitted if you use a condom but that's not what the scientists say. They say an infected person "sheds" the virus onto another person even when they don't have a breakout, which pretty much makes the condom irrelevant. It might be hard to tell if you have it because you can carry it with no symptom and doctors can't tell for sure unless they test an open sore.

Now the most important part: If you have it, you must tell your sex partners you have it so they can make their own choices. She might not think its a big deal, but it IS a big deal to you, the person who doesn't have it yet. She was wrong to tell you in the heat of passion. She owed you the respect of telling you while you could think clearly, weigh the risks, and decide where your boundaries are. None of us think clearly during hot sex - the point is to turn our brains off!

You were right to give yourself space to sort it out. Do research on the web. Decide how you want to handle the risk of herpes in your life, then live by the boundaries you set for yourself. Decide whether you want to expose yourself. Decide how you feel about "shedding" and oral sex.

If you get herpes, you owe the rest of the world the same respect. Tell your lovers, before the heat of passion, that you have it and will respect their decisions around it. This means a safe sex talk before every encounter.

Herpes might be an angel in disguise. An open, supportive safe sex talk with full disclosure about exposure to herpes can provide an important opportunity to grow more intimate with your partner. During this kind of truthful, vulnerable, conversation you are likely to learn valuable things about yourself and the other person. After all, if you can't trust your partner to be 100% truthful about herpes, or you can't be 100% truthful about it ... what can you trust?

Wetter ... Can we do better?

I have two young teenage girls. Yesterday I was driving them to their friend's house when this song came on their favorite radio station - "Wetter" by Twista. The female voice sang "I need a daddy, will you be my daddy?" and "come and make it rain on me." Then Twista says,

"I ain't stoppin til you wet up the covers. Because I gotta keep on fuckin til I see a lot of white stuff .... Don't think I can get it wet? I told you. Come and let the Twist rain down on you"

Do you think I should let my girls hear this music? I know their favorite station is aimed at teenagers because the DJs were giggling and playing rude prank calls between the songs.

Young people who are waking up to sexuality will come away with an oppressive view of sex if they are schooled in the art by mainstream bling rappers.

It's sad that the record labels and broadcasters market these songs to young teens. "Wetter" by Twista is a top song the teen stations are playing constantly right now and it glorifies the idea of having sex with your father.

Our society is presenting our teens and young adults with more radically perverse content than ever before and the speed seems to be picking up. We could try to shelter our young people from all of the oppressive things in the world, a chore that would take round-the-clock monitoring and fail if they interact with friends who expose them anyway.

Another option is to deal with the issue directly. You can build a solid foundation with your daughters by clearly communicating with them about sexuality, ethics, respect, intimacy, and all of the beautiful and positive aspects of sex and sexual relationships, as well as the risks and safety issues. Then when society's perverse version of sexuality rares its ugly head, you and your daughters will have a strong context for a direct conversation about the lyrics. If you teach them how to love themselves and their sexuality, they might surprise you and critically evaluate the lyrics before you can even open your mouth to express an opinion.

This advice applies equally to adults. A solid foundation in respect, intimacy, ethics and self-love allows adults to explore kink without losing moral bearings. Honest, loving conversations with your daughters about the things that make life juicy might create an ideal environment for all of you to grow as you encounter and share new things. Good luck!